My own G_d complex


I am confused.

The Father that I read about, learned about, and feared had commands, wanted me to serve him and bow down to him. Don’t you have rules for me to follow, demands that I obey, requirements that I bow down and worship you?

“You are changing the subject. But let us examine these beliefs as well.”

“You ARE confused.”

“You truly believe that I NEED anything from you?”

“You believe that anything you do, say, or think will make me more or less than I already am?”

“You would have to believe that I have a human ego that needs to be fed to boost some need to make myself greater?”

“So go ahead!”

“Ask me if that belief is true!”

I’m embarrassed! Now that you put it that way, it’s a stupid question.

“It’s not a stupid question. In your heart of hearts you believe that it is true!”

“Let’s deal with it!”

But you gave us the Book. It says right there…

“Yes, and we will deal with that in due time!”

“Right now, let us deal with this belief that I need anything from you.”

OK. Do you need anything from me?

I get it…

You don’t need anything from me. Nothing I can ever do, say, think or feel can make you any more or less of anything other than who you already are.

You don’t NEED anything! You love me. You love me as your child. You want me to choose you as you have chosen me. You love so differently than how we think. You love more deeply than we can completely comprehend or fully appreciate.

I know I can’t truly understand it all. You love us more perfectly than I can love my own children and that speaks more than I can tell.

Yes! Yes! That is true!

That’s very different!

How did I miss that?

“You live in a world that has a tendency to believe that I have the same human eccentricities as you because that is your experience here.”

“False beliefs bring nothing but pain and sorrow.”

“I will offer you the truth if you will truly ask and truly listen!”

“If you choose, we can continue to examine those other beliefs!”

 

You can run but you can't hide!


“My care for your freedom also encompasses other areas of your life!”

Other areas!

“Absolutely!”

What other areas!

“That pain that you carried from those false beliefs about being alone, helpless, something being wrong with you, about who you were at your core being bad – that pain kept you in slavery!”

Slavery!

“Yes, you were a slave to the pain. It drove you to all kinds of things to try to keep it down, to try not to have to think about it, to try not to feel.”

“Some people choose drugs, alcohol, sex or throwing themselves into their work. Others think it can be fixed if they can just find the right man or woman to fill those needs. Still others choose video games, movies, TV, books, food or sleep. People get really creative at ways to avoid their pain.”

“Those things help mask the pain but they never truly make it go away! They never solve the real problem.”

“So you just keep doing the same things over and over, sometimes with the old master, sometimes with a new! But slavery is always slavery – no matter who the master is!”

But I didn’t know how to deal with it any other way!

And, you’re right, I did…

I kept having to try to keep it down! 

I didn’t want anyone else to know just how BAD I was!

I didn’t want anyone else to see!

I couldn’t run fast enough…

I couldn’t run far enough…

But…

when I go there now….

It’s GONE!

How did you do that? How did you change it?

“All that I did was to tell you the truth!”

“Go back and look at those questions! And pay close attention to the answers you received!”

Ah, yes, and when I got it there… I knew it was true! It wasn’t just a ‘positive affirmation’ that I was trying… over and over… to make myself believe. I instantly knew it was true.

“And you feel…?”

I feel FREE…

peace and calm…

but…

I know I’m not done with everything.

“Of course you are not done with everything…”

“Just like those people you pass everyday, every one of them… you had lots and lots of chances to learn false beliefs!”

“Each one has added to your slavery!”

“And, as you choose to notice the things that are causing you such pain in life today, if you will work with me to find those false beliefs and ask for truth…”

“Each of those can be changed, not just pushed down… changed!”

“And, with each change, you become more free, truly free – no more running, no more hiding, no more masking the pain.”

That sounds too good to be true!

“So, are you willing to take this journey with me?”

“You are always free to choose… you may choose to keep your old beliefs… or choose to take this journey to true freedom!”

 

True Love


I know now that you were there – that you helped me through it. I know that you loved me right there.

Couldn’t you have just stopped it… or at least shown yourself to me then… or helped me understand that I wasn’t bad right there at the time?

“That’s not freedom!”

What do you mean that’s not freedom?

“I mean that if I stopped it then I would have forced my will upon her. If I had shown myself to you when you were not choosing to see then I would have forced my will upon you. If I told you when you were not choosing to hear or told you what to think then, again, I would be forcing my will upon you. All of those things would make me the dictator that you thought I was.”

“I do work to affect outcomes but I never force anyone to do anything. I granted you all freedom long ago. I have never taken that away.”

“But remember – freedom always comes with consequences – good or bad!”

“And sometimes innocent people are affected when others misuse that freedom.”

Yeah, I know. Can’t you just stop that?

“Again, that’s not freedom!”

“I am always here – you are free to choose to see, or not. I am always speaking – you are free to choose to listen, or not. There are ways that I help, that do not take away freedom, that you can choose to notice, or not. I always love!”

But I don’t like the consequences. You can do anything you want! Can’t you just take all of the bad away?

“Freedom?”

What’s so important to you about freedom?

“Without freedom there can be no true love.”

Of course there can! You can love someone and tell them what to do!

“And they have the choice to follow you… or not!”

“If I take away freedom then everyone does exactly what I want them to… like robots.”

“You act how you are programmed to act. You think what you are programmed to think.”

“How would it make you feel if your children only acted loving to you because they had to… they had no choice… it was just programmed into them like a machine.”

It wouldn’t really feel like real love then. I wouldn’t like it. It would be meaningless to me!

“It wouldn’t feel like it because it is not ‘love’. It is just programming.”

“So your freedom is important to me. I only want you to love me because you choose to love – just like you desire that from your own children. Your own nature helps you understand me just a little better.”

“True love, then, can only exist where there is freedom.”

 

The G_d I never knew!


I was so angry at her for how she treated me there. I was so angry for how it made me feel. I had never forgiven her for that. I had wanted to see her punished for that.

“Was… Had… those words are past tense. How do you feel now?”

I… I… I feel compassion for her.

“And that anger?”

Gone! All gone!

“Are you sure?”

Yes… yes… it’s gone.

“And, when you think of this event now, how do you feel?”

Peace and calm! I have never felt such peace and calm.

“Again, are you sure?”

You ask me if I am sure. Don’t you know?

“Of course I do. I ask so that YOU will notice… so that you will pay attention… so that you won’t move on without grasping the significance of this moment. And, if there are any hesitations – any concerns that you have not yet dealt with, you can bring them to me now if you are ready!”

So am I sure? Yes!

It is such peace and calm!

I met my older brother, your son, there. You sent him to me. And he touched me… in such kindness… in such gentleness… in such love. I know what he told me was true. It changes… EVERYTHING.

I don’t understand. This is not the G_d I have known. The G_d I have known is angry, mean and vengeful. I was so afraid. He was demanding. He was a dictator. I was nothing. I kept trying to perform to earn his favor and never felt like I could ever live up to his expectations.

“I know!”

But that’s not true. That’s not who you are!

You are my Father. I AM your child. And you love me more perfectly than I could ever love my own children. I’m not a better father than you are.

I know that I still don’t understand everything. I still have questions. But you want a loving relationship with me like I want a loving relationship with my own children.

You have been very patient with me. I didn’t expect that either. May I ask you more questions?

“Dear one, you may ask me anything at all!”

 

The truth shall set me… free?


“So you felt afraid that she would never get better. You felt hopeless and alone.”

Yes!

“And is there an earlier time in your life that you felt hopeless and alone like this?”

Can I take a minute?

“Take as much time as you need. I am here!”

What comes to mind is…. I am very young. It feels like I am 5 or 6. She is very angry. I don’t remember exactly what I did but she is furious. She is hitting me… I feel so scared.

I feel helpless and alone.

“And how does that make you feel about yourself?”

I feel so helpless. I feel so alone. Something is wrong with me. I am really bad.

Something has to be wrong with me. She wouldn’t treat me like this otherwise.

“So the beliefs that feel true to you are that you are helpless, alone, something is wrong with you, at your core you are bad? This is about who you are?”

Oh, yes! It hurts so bad!

“And how do you feel towards me right there?”

I am angry. Why didn’t you stop it? Why didn’t you protect me? Why weren’t you there?

“Ask me!”

I just did!

“No. Ask me, not to just accuse… not to just vent your anger and not listen! Ask me! And pay close attention to what I have for you!”

OK! Why weren’t you there?

“Remember now! See what you saw. Hear what you heard. Be there, now!”

“What do you see there now?”

I see it all again. Someone else IS there! It’s my older brother! But that can’t be… he went to live with you before I was born.

“Was he there?”

…… Yes! He’s there!

“And what is he doing?”

He’s crying!

“Ask him what he is crying about!”

He’s crying for me.

“So you weren’t alone?”

No!

“Were you helpless?”

He says that he was my help right there!

“Does that feel true?”

When I hear it from him it feels…. true!

“Ask him if there is something wrong with you!”

He says I was just being a kid… I WAS just being a kid. That’s true…

“And were you bad?”

Who I was… was not bad! I was just being a kid.

“Is that just an excuse to do bad things?”

No, I am forgiven…

I am just a little child. And I am loved.

“Anything else?”

He beckons me over. I sit on his lap and he hugs me. I feel… forgiven and loved.

“What is he doing now?”

He’s crying again… as he holds me!

He’s crying for…

her!

But wait… aren’t I the victim here?

“This event was never about you! It was about her! You came to believe lies about yourself and about me. Many people do! You didn’t understand! You tried to make sense of it the best you knew how at the time. But they were lies!”

“And you couldn’t know what she has gone through and what she has come to believe that is not in reality true of her… or of me! So, out of her own pain, she acted the way she did.”

“I love her just as I love you! And I want peace, freedom and love for all of my children.”

BUT…..

 

But it hurts…!


“Are you willing to look at what emotions were behind your anger when your wife was sick?”

I guess so!

“When you go there and feel your anger can you feel your way behind the anger to the original emotions beneath?”

Hmm.

When I go there in my memories, I am afraid. It was 2 years. I am afraid that she will never get better. I want to help her but nothing seems to work. I feel hopeless and alone.

“And that made you angry at me?”

Yes!

“Highly-charged, emotional events that occur in the present usually have roots in the past – in past trauma or in early childhood events where you formed those original beliefs.”

Say, what is going on? I don’t particularly like thinking about this. It hurts!

“False beliefs about yourself or about me are painful – to greater and lesser degrees depending upon your beliefs – but painful nonetheless.”

“There is only one way out – replacing those beliefs with the truth!”

“Do you remember reading… the truth shall set you free?”

The truth according to who?

“It is ‘to whom’ and there is still so much more that I want to help you understand…”

“But, for now, let’s stick to the task at hand!”

 

Sometimes we look but we don't really see


“Are you willing to look more closely at this belief with me?”

I will get to choose?

“You will!”

Then let’s do it. What do I have to lose?

“What, indeed?”

 

“When you stated that I was not there, there seemed to be a LOT of emotion around that!”

OK!

“How did that make you feel?”

I was angry!

“And with whom were you angry!”

The WHOM I as angry at was you.

“Thank you for being honest with me!”

But it doesn’t sound nice. I used to believe that it wasn’t acceptable to be angry at you.

“You thought that I didn’t already know?”

I guess I never really thought about that. I think that I expected that you would punish me for it.

But it is true that I was angry at you. That didn’t change just because I was a bit afraid to be angry.

“And you are still angry!”

When I think about it I get angry.

“Think about what, specifically?”

When I think about the times that I wanted… no… I needed you to be there and you weren’t.

“Does a specific time come to mind?”

I can think of many!

“Pick one that stands out for you!”

OK, when my wife was sick…

“And that made you feel…?”

Angry!

“Anger is usually a secondary emotion.”

Secondary emotion…?

“Example…. A mother sees her small child chasing a ball towards the street. She can also see a car coming down the street that can’t see the child because of the parked cars along the curb. Her immediate reaction is terror and she screams… at which point the child turns to see what the mother is screaming about. The mother angrily runs to and scolds the child to never, ever run into the street.”

“The mother was angry but it was secondary to the real emotion that she felt before going to anger!”

“What was the primary emotion of the mother in this event?”

She was afraid! I would have been afraid in that situation, too!

“You understand then that anger can mask the real emotions behind the anger in an event?”

I can see that now!

“Now, are you willing to look at what emotions were behind your anger when your wife was sick?”