The end of the rope finally came. Drained from years of trying “harder”, playing games, trying to make up for my past … it all produced nothing but emptiness. I finally figured out that I couldn’t win.
I stopped going to those groups where they wanted me to perform… or at least pretend with them that I was performing. I stopped pretending with my friends. Some accepted me and hung in with me. Others didn’t.
Most importantly I stopped hiding from myself, at least as much as I was consciously aware. But, if I am not who I have been all of my life, who I have pretended to be, then who am I? It felt a bit like a free fall with no parachute.
There was a lot for me to work out but one thing was clear – I wanted to know my Dad. I mean I wanted to KNOW him. I knew, or at least I thought I knew, a lot ABOUT him. I now wanted to know HIM.
I tried to find him. I sought people that I thought could help. It didn’t help.
I had a friend who encouraged me to reach out again to my brother. Why didn’t I think of that?
So I asked my brother. He didn’t answer me directly.
Some time passed and, all the while, I kept saying, “I want to know him.”
Then one day…
There he is… right in front of me. I immediately knew who he was.