Home » Uncategorized » Letting go of the rope

Letting go of the rope

The end of the rope finally came. Drained from years of trying “harder”, playing games, trying to make up for my past … it all produced nothing but emptiness. I finally figured out that I couldn’t win.





I stopped going to those groups where they wanted me to perform… or at least pretend with them that I was performing. I stopped pretending with my friends. Some accepted me and hung in with me. Others didn’t.

Most importantly I stopped hiding from myself, at least as much as I was consciously aware. But, if I am not who I have been all of my life, who I have pretended to be, then who am I? It felt a bit like a free fall with no parachute.

There was a lot for me to work out but one thing was clear – I wanted to know my Dad. I mean I wanted to KNOW him. I knew, or at least I thought I knew, a lot ABOUT him. I now wanted to know HIM.

I tried to find him. I sought people that I thought could help. It didn’t help.

I had a friend who encouraged me to reach out again to my brother. Why didn’t I think of that?

So I asked my brother. He didn’t answer me directly.

Some time passed and, all the while, I kept saying, “I want to know him.”

Then one day…

There he is… right in front of me. I immediately knew who he was.


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